


Time Moves On

by hannahfanficrobron



Series: Loss [2]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Loss, M/M, Moving On, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2018-08-08 08:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7751014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahfanficrobron/pseuds/hannahfanficrobron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 2. Aaron is gone and Robert has to find a way to cope without him, to live his life and try to move on. Requested by readers, so I hope it's not too much of a let down! Major character death warning, and mild brief mentions of suicide in Ch 1 only.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 3 Months

**Author's Note:**

> I was surprised and pleased that on the first story, that people wanted to know how Robert and Liv would cope as time went on from Aaron's death. So, I hope this lives up to expectations and is enjoyed! (as much as it can be anyway).

 

Robert had known today would be a difficult day as he woke up. A year ago today, he’d got Aaron back, been given a second chance not to let him down. It’d been the day before the verdict, an awful day for everyone. But Robert could remember the way Aaron had looked, drinking whisky in the back room of the pub, wanting to give Robert a chance. He hoped that he hadn’t let Aaron down. They may only have had nine months together, properly together, but they were a couple with a united front, a proper partnership. Robert couldn’t stop thinking of how solid and real Aaron had felt in his arms, the first time he’d been able to hold him in so long.

“He’s dead,” Robert said under his breath, needing the reality to hold onto. On a normal day, Robert could make it through, at least going through the motions. But today was the first real anniversary, a meaningful date for them that he knew he’d see Aaron everywhere. He looked at the clock and knew he had to get up, get Liv up. They had moved into Aaron’s house, and for the first few weeks it had felt like a huge mistake. The house was so big and they didn’t have enough possessions for it. They could feel Aaron’s loss in the empty spaces. But over time, they filled the house, and now Robert felt more comfortable. In order to live his life, he needed to sleep in a bed Aaron hadn’t been in, he needed not to see him around every single corner. It was what kept him functioning. The new house helped, because it was both what Aaron wanted, and at the same time not completely filled with memories of him.

“Liv, get up!” Robert shouted, throwing a shirt on before leaving the bedroom.

“I don’t have to go to school do I?” she said, yawning as she helped herself to breakfast, already dressed in her uniform.

“Yes,” Robert said by reflex.

“But nothing’s going on, I’ll just…”

“Liv, not today,” Robert said firmly, bracing his hands on the counter top against the harsh pain he was suffering with today.

“Why?” she asked, sensing something more. “What’s today?” she added, voice softer in a way which said _Aaron_ without saying his name.

“Aaron let me back in,” Robert said, speaking to the floor. “When we really tried, a proper relationship. Today hurts me, Liv.”

“Oh,” she said sadly. “I’ll go to school.”

“Great,” Robert said quickly, glad of no more arguments. This morning at least.

“Can you drive me?”

“Yes. No,” Robert said quickly. Liv glared at him. “Got to drop the car in at the garage. It’s not running properly.”

“Fine,” she said. “I guess I’m getting the bus. See you later.” She left the house and Robert grimaced at the slammed door. She always hit that too hard, it wasn’t usually an indication of her mood. Robert hadn’t been lying, he did need to drop the car in. He could fix it himself, but at the moment he didn’t feel confident enough in his rusty abilities. Especially when his mind kept slipping back to Aaron, today more than usual.

He managed to keep his mind clear and empty as he drove the short distance to the garage, seeing Cain already there working.

“Can you fit me in and have a look at it today?” Robert asked Cain. “The engine’s making a weird noise.”

“What, lost your touch Sugden?” Cain asked, but holding his hand out for the keys anyway.

“Today I have,” Robert said, giving them over and not minding the insult. “Thanks.”

“How are you?” It was very odd to be asked this question from Cain of all people, but Robert had noticed that the entire Dingle family were much more friendly to him after Aaron had died. Robert had a feeling that Chas had had a word, but he didn’t miss the irony. The Dingle’s had only accepted how much he loved Aaron once he was gone, when it no longer mattered.

“I miss him,” Robert said honestly. “It’s very lonely without him.” Cain nodded once, that was as far into emotion he would ever go.

“Your car’ll be ready this afternoon.”

“Thanks,” Robert said briefly before leaving. It was a fresh spring morning, and he enjoyed the weak sunlight on his face. One of the first clear bright days they’d had in months after a bad winter. He knew he should visit the office and catch up, but he was putting it off. The portacabin held memories, mostly good but all bittersweet. He’d gone back to work part time, and Nicola wasn’t pushing it either. She knew when she was fighting a losing battle. Some days he could face it, some days he couldn’t. Today he couldn’t.

Instead he found his feet leading the way to the bench next to the swings. He sat down and tilted his head towards the sun, closing his eyes, managing not to think of anything at all for a few minutes.

“Rob?” He blinked his eyes open, wondering if he’d actually drifted off to sleep.

“Hi Vic,” he said as she sat next to him. “Shouldn’t you be at work?”

“Shouldn’t you?” she countered. Robert felt the brief sting of criticism in her words, like he should be getting over this faster than he was. He glared at her. “I just mean, maybe getting back into the routine would help?”

“You forgotten where I work?” he asked harshly. Vic flinched.

“Yeah, sorry,” she said. “Look, I’ve got news,” she added.

“Oh?”

“I’m pregnant,” Vic said, smiling softly at him.

“What!” Robert said sharply. Out of all the things she could have said, that was a long way down the list. “Really?”  
“Yes,” she said, still grinning. “We’re really happy.”

“Congratulations, Vic. I bet Adam’s delighted,” Robert said, remembering distantly all that stuff about the baby that turned out not to be his a couple of years back.

“Through the roof,” Vic said, obviously happy.

“Has Adam…” Robert stopped instantly in the middle of the sentence, paling and looking down at his hands. “I was going to ask if he’d told Aaron yet.”

“Oh, Rob…” she said sadly, gripping his arm.

“Sometimes it’s so hard to believe he’s not here,” Robert said. “Sorry, I shouldn’t be sad. This is good news.”

“Yeah it is good,” she said. “And I know what you mean, it is hard to believe he’s gone.”

“It’s stupid,” Robert said harshly. “I know he’s dead. And I forget?”

“It’s not stupid,” Vic said gently. “And you don’t forget, you just want to talk to him.”

That was so true that Robert felt the tears building. He longed to speak to Aaron, to hear his tiny chuckle or see him roll his gorgeous eyes. When his voice felt steady again, he asked “Why was it him? He was such a good person and…”

“Don’t think like that,” Vic said. When Robert didn’t respond she continued. “You’re not thinking about doing anything stupid, are you?“ Robert didn’t follow, so frowned at her. “Like trying to join Aaron, I mean.”

“Oh, God, no,” Robert said. That thought hadn’t entered his head. “I am not suicidal. I can grieve without wanting to top myself, you know.”

“Just checking,” she said. “Maybe you should see someone. A therapist who can help you.”

“Vic, I know you love me and you’re worried, but I’m fine. Or I will be. Grief is normal, it hurts a lot and it will for a while, but it’s normal to miss someone who was so important to me.”

“I was thinking…”

“What, I should have bounced back by now?” Robert asked.

“The old Robert would have.”

“The old Robert didn’t care about anyone but himself,” he said. “I know you’re concerned, but I’m doing okay.”

“Are you?”

“I’m eating again,” Robert said. “Not everything tastes awful any more. And I’m sleeping.”

“Well?” she asked.

“Half the time,” he said truthfully. The other half, when he dozed, he rolled over into the empty space, reaching for Aaron to be pressed against his body, to inhale the scent of his hair, or to feel the kisses against his chest. Which always did the job of waking him up fully with a jerk, knowing he wasn’t here.

“Look, come out for a drink with us tonight, me and Adam. We’re celebrating, and you haven’t been out with us since…” before.

“Vic…”

“I’m not saying drink yourself into oblivion,” she said. “But be with us. Celebrate our good news with a drink.”

“Yeah,” he said after thinking about it for a moment. “You know what, that sounds good.”

“Really?” she asked beaming.

“Yeah. Life goes on, right?” Vic smiled sadly at him. “But if you look at me with that pity once tonight, I’m going straight home.” 

Vic laughed easily. “Okay,” she agreed. “I’ll drive. Can’t drink anyway, no reason for you and Adam to suffer too.”

“Perfect,” Robert said. He hugged his sister tightly. “Thanks for looking out for me, Vic.”

“I always will,” she said. “Don’t sit here and think too much, okay?”

“I won’t.” Robert closed his eyes, tilting his face to the sun, trying to hold onto the good thoughts, and let himself relax. For now at least.


	2. 6 months

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the encouragement on this sad story! This chapter went in an unexpected direction, but I hope it's okay anyway!

Robert groaned in pain as he unlocked the front door. God, that had been such a bad night and he ached everywhere. He looked at the clock as he came in, eight o'clock in the morning. Hopefully he could get a shower and a few hours sleep before Nicola came pestering him to get to work.

“Where’ve you been?” Robert blinked as Liv came into focus, clearly worried.

“Out,” Robert said, sitting down at the kitchen table and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Don’t have a go, I’ve got a stinking headache.”

“That didn’t take long,” Liv said, getting herself a drink of water, the disappointment coming off of her in waves. “Only six months for you to forget him.”

“What?” Robert asked. “Liv, I’m a bit hung over and I’m a lot tired, so have you have to make a bit more sense.”

“Aaron!” she shouted, making him wince. “He's only just left us, and you’re sleeping with someone else! Trying to forget him, are you?”

“I am not sleeping with someone else,” Robert said, now catching on to what she was talking about, deeply hurt by her words. “And I could never forget him, so don’t say that to me.”

“Yeah, right,” she said with such disbelief, he was reminded very much of Aaron’s usual attitude, making him feel hollow. “Coming home in the same clothes as last night, of course you have.”

“I need a shower, can we argue about this after school?”

“Hmph!” Liv said under her breath. The anger was so clear that Robert felt he owed her an explanation.

“I had a business meeting last night, over dinner. You know that,” he said. “I didn’t plan to get into a punch up and end up in a police cell overnight.”

“You did what?” Liv asked in a hushed voice. Her anger and hurt had vanished, replaced by a curiosity he could see burning on her face.

“Oh, now you’re interested,” Robert said.

“Go on, what happened?” Her eyes had gone bright, and Robert knew she’d enjoy this, even as he felt the knuckles on his right hand throb.

“Later,” he said. “You need to go to school.”

“Aw, come on Rob!” she said.

“Let me have some sleep, I’m sure I’ll do the story justice when you get home.” She relented, seeing the dark circles under his eyes and the lack of patience he clearly had right now. Maybe letting him sleep would be a good idea.

“Fine, but don’t think you’re getting away with it that easily,” she said. “I want details.”

“Agreed,” Robert said. He smiled at her as she made the way out of the door. The constant fighting to get her to go to school seemed to have ended somewhat. She now went without a fight, and wasn’t even skipping any classes. Robert had a feeling she was probably keeping her eye on some boy or other, which would be why she wasn’t fighting it. That was a battle for another day, right now he needed to get clean. Kipping in a police cell didn’t exactly give the best nights sleep.

He started to come to himself again when he stood under the hot running water of the shower. Last night had gone well, the business portion of it anyway. He’d got the contracts signed and it would be a lucrative deal for them both. Then they’d gone out for a celebratory drink, and that’s when it had started to go downhill. Robert had forgotten that the England football match was on, so the pub was louder than normal, though Chris, his business associate hadn’t seemed to mind. Shockingly England had won and that’s when things began to get out of control.

Somehow, Robert hadn’t been able to follow how it’d happened, a strange man had come up to him and kissed him. Robert had twisted away from the man, saying an instant no, not wanting it, not needing it, but he’d tried again. And Robert’s patience, already tested by grief mixed with alcohol had completely snapped. To the internal mantra of _you’re not Aaron,_ Robert had punched him several times. Only being physically forced apart by other people in the pub had stopped Robert from completely pummelling him. The stranger had been checked out in hospital with suspected concussion while Robert had found himself in a police cell, giving him time to cool off, apparently. He knew he could be in serious trouble, but he hoped it wouldn’t go that far, that he could talk his way out of it. For God’s sake, under usual circumstances he wasn’t a violent thug. 

The brief feeling of someone’s lips against his had been such an unwelcome jolt to him though, he hadn’t been able to control himself. No one could replace Aaron, no one could be as good as Aaron, no, no no. “Stop it,” Robert said to himself, bringing himself back to the present, focusing on the sensation of the hot water sliding down his body, the wet tiles against his back. Thinking about it wouldn’t change it, though he had a feeling Chris would want to back out of those newly signed contracts. Robert couldn’t blame him, he must have seemed completely out of control last night.

In the end, Robert found he couldn’t go to sleep. He was tired, but he needed to try and fix this mess. Once he’d showered, he felt more able to face the day. He went to the portacabin and was grateful Nicola wasn’t present. She’d mentioned she might work at home today. Adam was busy outside, which left him alone with paperwork, the way he liked it. The inside of the cabin had been totally rearranged since Aaron had died, none of them being able to look at the space he’d left. Which also meant Robert couldn’t sit and stare at Aaron’s spot, a good idea when he had work to do.

It took barely ten minutes for Chris to turn up, very grim faced. They didn’t usually meet clients here, and Robert instantly knew this was bad. “Robert, I think after last night, I’m not sure we can do business together.”

“Chris, there’s no need for that,” Robert said, trying to hide the panic. He couldn’t lose this contract, it‘d be a serious blow, despite the fact it was through his own stupidity.

“You were an animal, and for what?” Chris said, clearly disgusted. “Feel better, do you?”

“Chris, I’m sorry for how I acted. I’m not usually like that. There’s no need for us to…”

“I don’t work with people who are that violent,” Chris said, voice flat. “Especially with people who are clearly homophobic. I’m sorry.”

“You think I’m…?” Robert couldn’t help the slight laugh that escaped him as Chris turned to leave. “No, no, wait,” Robert said desperately. “It’s not… I’m still grieving. My boyfriend died a few months ago, and I’m just getting back on my feet. I snapped and I shouldn’t have.”

“I’m sorry,” Chris said, seeming oddly sincere as he turned back to Robert. “Grief makes you do… horrible things.”

“You’ve lost someone,” Robert said, sitting behind his desk, feeling all the fight go out of him.

“My wife,” he said, sitting opposite Robert. “Cancer.” That made Robert start, because the man couldn’t be more than five or six years older than himself. “She was thirty one when it was diagnosed,” Chris said, clearly reading his face.

“Sorry,” Robert said. “It still feels recent for me, and I struggle to cope sometimes. Last night is not a reflection of my usual behaviour.”

“I understand,” Chris said. “My solace was at the bottom of a whisky bottle.”

“Oh, I’d love to have that option,” Robert said fervently. There had been many times that he wanted to get blind drunk to forget, but knew he couldn’t. He had Liv.

“Want to talk about it?” Chris asked. Robert shrugged indifferently, but Chris pressed on. “Was it quick?”

“Too quick,” Robert said. “He was stabbed and he died… while I held him. Tried to comfort him in any way I could.”

“You’re lucky.”

“I’m lucky?” Robert said in disbelief. “How?”

“It’s better to be quick,” he said. “My wife was in pain for so long. She didn’t even recognise me at the end. I’d have given everything I had for it to be quick, so she didn’t suffer.”

Robert could appreciate that, but he didn’t happen to agree. “But there was so much I didn’t say. There wasn’t the time for me to make sure he knew how much I loved him. That tortures me. That he might not have known.”

“You have to believe he’d have felt the same. If it’d been you instead.”

“Do you?”

“Yes,” Chris said. “You have to. It’s what keeps you going.” Robert shrugged. Chris’s earlier suggestion of the whisky bottle felt so good right now. Robert wasn’t exactly sure why he was confiding in Chris, except maybe that he was outside of it. He hadn’t known Aaron, so he wasn’t too close.

“It’s not just the person you miss,” Chris said slowly, filling Robert's silence. “It’s the life you thought you had together. The plans you weren’t even aware you were really making, to keep your lives entwined. No one else in his life would have shared it the way you did. It‘s not just the other person who‘s gone. It‘s like half of yourself has died too.” Robert thought that is exactly it. This man knew what he was going through, and had had enough time since his wife’s death to be able to put it into words.

“I think my sister thinks I should have moved on by now,” Robert said. “Returned to the man I used to be. It’s so hard to explain to her that I can’t. Because part of who I was… was tied up with him.”

“For me… it helps to say Jennifer’s name. I stopped, wouldn’t let anyone talk about her, because her name hurt me, reminded me painfully that she’s not here. But, I found in the end that saying her name helps me to feel like I’ve not forgotten her. I could never forget her,” he added with a nod of his head. “But… it’s good to remember sometimes.”

Robert sighed heavily. “How long did it take? For you to get over her death?”

“I’ll let you know when it happens,” Chris said, making Robert let out something between a laugh and a sob. “I won’t tear up the contract. But you’ve got to sort yourself out, I can’t do business…”

“I know,” Robert said. “Alcohol and grief don’t mix.”

“Don’t I know it,” Chris said. 

“Thanks,” Robert said sincerely. That could have been a hell of a lot worse.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is still reading this highly depressing story, I've not forgotten it! Hope you enjoy this little Vic Robert conversation, I'd love to know what you think! Thank you! x

“Don’t you think it might be time you started seeing someone else?” Robert sighed very loudly. If his sister wasn’t heavily pregnant, he probably wouldn’t even dignify that with an answer. But she lay on her sofa, almost curled around her very large bump and the sight gave him more patience than usual.

“Vic…”

“No, I’m not suggesting replacing Aaron…” she started.

“Good.”

“But you’re lonely. And don’t lie to me and say you’re not, I know you are.”

“Yes,” Robert said. “I am lonely. Can’t fix that though.”

“Rob!” Vic said, exasperated.

“What do you want me to do?” Robert asked. “I want what I can’t have.”

“Are you sleeping?” Vic asked, concerned.

“Yes,” Robert said. “Whenever I have slept all night though, I don’t usually wake up reaching for him any more. Then I feel guilty, that I could wake up not wanting him, or forgetting him.”

“Have you been with anyone since?”

“Vic…”

“Seriously,” she said.

“You’re my sister.”

“I’m nosey,” she said with a shrug. “And I’m pregnant, I’m allowed to ask.”

“I did sleep with someone,” Robert admitted. “A few weeks ago. It was a complete disaster.” It was something he didn’t like to think of, because firstly he couldn’t believe he’d done it, and secondly he felt so guilty that he’d been able to do that in the first place.

“Okay, I love you, but you don’t have to get too graphic…” Vic interjected. Robert smiled at her ruefully.

“I’ve never felt dirtier or more guilty in my entire life,” Robert added. It was true, he had felt disgusted with himself afterwards. He’d only done it because loneliness combined with alcohol and imposed celibacy had been a really bad and fatal combination. But afterwards, he’d realised that Aaron’s was the touch he craved, Aaron’s voice caught in the throes was what he longed to hear. And of course, his partner hadn’t been delighted that Robert had shouted Aaron’s name right in the middle of everything either. He loved sex, Robert had always loved sex. And it felt amazing to him how much he had changed, in that that need was now tied to Aaron. Damn inconvenient at the moment too.

“I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life alone,” Vic said sadly. “Aaron wouldn’t either.”

“Aaron’s not here to want anything,” Robert said bluntly. “To be honest with you, I think Aaron would be amazed I’ve last nine months without finding someone else. He never did… understand how much I needed him.”

“Robert, I know you miss him but you were hardly a saint when you met him, were you? Of course Aaron felt second best when you were with Chrissie.” Robert felt a stab of pain as he glared at Victoria. He didn’t need to be reminded of his failings. “Why wouldn’t he? But Aaron knew you’d changed, he knew you loved him.”

“I’m forgetting,” Robert admitted very quietly. “Just the little things about him, I’m slowly losing them.” Victoria’s wide doe eyes urged him to continue. “I can’t quite remember the exact way he used to raise an eyebrow at me when he disagreed with me. I mean, I know he did it, and I can see his smile at the time, but I’ve forgotten exactly how he did it. When he was frightened… when he woke up from a nightmare, he’d grab my hand tightly. I can’t remember quite how much pressure he gave me when he did that. How it felt. It’s like… little pieces of him that are slipping away like sand and I can’t stop it. I’m terrified one day I’ll have nothing left. Just the painful loss and the knowledge that I loved him.”

“Robert, I know this isn’t going to help, but…” Vic swallowed before trying again. “You’ve been loved more than some people ever get in a lifetime.”

“You’re right, that doesn’t help,” Robert said bitterly. “Where’s all this coming from? I don’t need a relationship, I don’t want to see anyone else. That night was a… old Robert lapse in concentration. Alcohol is always a bad idea.”

“Liv,” Vic said to his surprise. “She asked me to talk to you. Thinks you’re lonely.”

“Of course I’m lonely,” Robert said. “Aaron was my best friend. I could talk to him about anything and I knew he’d never run. Because he’d seen me at my very worst and stayed anyway. No one else ever had.”

“Not even me?” Vic asked in a small voice.

“It’s different,” Robert said. “You always believe the best in me. In everyone really, but Aaron wasn’t like that. He didn’t share your optimism. He never believed the best in me, and that was okay. In a way it meant more because with him, I had nowhere to hide.”

“Aah!” Vic tightened her arms around her stomach, and Robert could tell she wasn’t aware of anything outside of her own body any more.

“Vic, are you all right? Do you need an ambulance?”

“No,” she said. “Yes, I’m all right, no I don’t need an ambulance,” she added, making it clearer. “Your nephew is kicking me under my ribs. Just hurts a little.”

“Nephew, eh?”

“I think so,” she said, smiling at him. “Better be, because Adam and I can’t agree on a girls name.” 

Robert laughed easily. “Tell Liv I’m okay.”

“She worries,” Vic said.

“I know, but she never did before,” Robert said with a sigh. “She misses him too.” Victoria smiled at him sadly.

“Want to make me a cup of tea? It’ll take me about an hour to get up.”

“Course I will,” Robert said, smiling at her as he went into the kitchen.


	4. Chapter 4

Robert smiled at his brand new charming nephew, cradled safely in his arms, blinking at him with such blue eyes that Robert couldn’t stop staring at him. “He’s gorgeous.”

“Mm,” Vic moaned, not even opening her eyes. “Remind me why I thought labour with no pain management was a good idea?” Robert just laughed, but he couldn’t take his eyes off of the baby. He wasn’t a baby person generally, but he looked so beautiful.

“Got his dads hair,” Robert said, stroking the dark mess.

“Yeah,” Vic said quietly.

“Where is Adam?”

“Making calls,” Vic said. “Moira, Diane. I can’t do it I don’t have the energy.”

“I was first?” Robert asked. “Wow, I feel honoured,” he added sincerely.

“We wanted to ask you something,” Vic said. “And as Adam isn’t here, I guess it’s down to me.”

“Not totally selfless, then,” Robert said, rolling his eyes, still rocking the baby. “What d’you want?”

“His name,” Vic started. With that, Robert knew where this was going. “We want his middle name to be Aaron. Don’t drop him!” she added at the shock on his face.

“Uncle Robert wouldn’t drop you,” he cooed over the newborn, more to give himself time to think than anything else.

“If you’re not okay with it, it’s fine. More than, I‘d rather you tell me now. It’s just… it’s what Adam wants. And I like the idea too, we all miss him, but I know you’re still struggling with losing him.”

“It’s fine,” Robert said, trying to breathe around the lump in his throat. “Aaron would have called you a complete soft touch, you know that, right?”

“Yeah,” Vic said with a smile. “I know.”

“What’s his first name?” Robert asked, still rocking the baby.

“Matthew,” Vic said, the pride in her voice clear.

"Matthew Aaron Barton. _That_ will take some getting used to," Robert said.

"I know," Vic said. "Give him back, would you?" Robert did, smiling at the baby and his sister.

* * *

 

It was the first time since the day of Aaron’s funeral that Robert had visited his grave. He hadn’t been able to face it before, and he knew perfectly well that his absence at Aaron’s grave didn’t reflect the loss he felt, or the level of his grief. Visiting wouldn’t change anything for him, he knew Aaron was dead, he didn’t need to see the gravestone every day to make that any clearer.

“Hey,” Robert murmured as he walked up to Aaron’s grave, hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. Fresh flowers were there. Probably Chas. Did Liv ever visit him? Robert never asked.

“So… I’ve been really neglectful in seeing you lately. Or at all, actually. Sorry.” Robert sighed before taking a deep breath and trying again.

“I met your name sake today, Vic and Adam had a boy. They’re being overly sentimental, which you would hate if you were here, but I think you’d secretly like it. He‘s cute. I mean… not as cute as any kids we‘d have had, obviously, but… Did you ever think about it? A future with me? There are things I won’t ever know… things I want to ask you.” Robert looked up at the sky for a moment, to stop focusing on the cold hard truth that Aaron was lying under the earth. He should have brought flowers. Now it felt like a massive oversight.

“It’s not that I don’t care,” Robert said to him. “That’s not why I don’t visit you. It’s that I can’t cope with it.” Robert walked closer to the gravestone. He’d never seen it, it having been placed there a few weeks after the funeral. He ran his fingertips over the engraved letters of Aaron’s name slowly, softly. The way he longed to touch him.

“I still remember that night so vividly, when you left us. It’s so wrong that my clearest memory of you is when you were dying. Please don’t let that be the one thing I have left of you. I don’t know how I’d manage. I want to remember you… slurping your cereal like a four year old. The way you’d just… stare at me when you knew I was lying about something, as if daring me to stick to it or come clean.” Robert wanted to say more, but he heard footsteps and was too embarrassed to continue. After all, Aaron couldn’t hear him.

“Heya,” came a familiar voice. Adam, who clearly had been heading for Aaron‘s grave too. “Sorry, I’ll go and leave you with him. Didn’t know you were here.”

“No, don’t,” Robert said. “I was just leaving anyway.” Then Robert frowned, because surely Adam was busy today. His son had just been born after all. “What’re you doing here? Don’t you have lots of celebrating to do?”

“Yep,” Adam said easily, holding up four cans of larger with a smile.

“W… what are you doing?”

“I’m celebrating my baby boy by telling my best mate and having a drink with him,” Adam said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“You know he’s not here, right?” Robert asked, slightly curious as to whether fatherhood had unhinged him for a few minutes.

“Yeah,” Adam said. “But you know that Aaron would appreciate a drink a hell of a lot more than flowers.” Robert couldn’t argue that one.

“Congratulations by the way,” Robert said. “He’s beautiful.”

“Vic did amazing.”

“I’m sure,” Robert said warmly. “Look, I’ll leave you alone.”

“No, stay,” Adam said. “Help me finish these off if you want.”

“Do you come here often?” Robert asked curiously, taking the can Adam offered.

“Now and again,” Adam said. “I know it’s not the same but I miss him so much.”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “I miss him, too. He was….” Robert tailed off. They both knew how Aaron was.

* * *

 

Four hours later, Robert and Adam were still in the same place, laughing over Aaron’s grave. At some point Robert had left for the shop, to buy a bottle of whisky before returning to Aaron, most of the amber liquid was now gone.

Robert hadn’t been this drunk in years, and he was sat on the ground, his swaying head resting against Aaron’s headstone. It should feel disrespectful, but for some reason it didn’t. He knew Aaron wouldn’t begrudge him a drink... or twenty.

“Should probably get ome…” Adam slurred, in just as bad a state as Robert. “Vic’ll be mad.”

“Is she back from t’hospital yet?” Robert asked, the words slipping around in his mouth, unable to keep his grasp on them properly.

“She bloody well is,” Vic said, glaring at the two of them, baby in her arms, Liv standing next to her. Clearly both of them had got together and worked out where Robert and Adam could have got to. “What on earth do you think you’re doing?” Robert didn’t even try to stand, knowing he’d make a poor job of it. Adam did, stumbling and falling on his arse right on Aaron’s grave. Robert laughed then couldn’t stop, it seeming hilarious in his drunken state. His laughing got Adam giggling away and Liv bit her lip, seeing the funny side of this, knowing Aaron would have too.

“Robert, what’re you doing?”

“We are celebrating baby Matthew,” Robert said, over exaggerating the words and clinking the whisky bottle gently against Aaron’s gravestone.

“Don’t you think you’re being a tiny bit disrespectful?” Vic asked, trying to get through to one of the drunk men.

“I think Aaron would be joining in if he could,” Liv chipped in.

“Oh, honestly!” Vic exploded. “Come on you two! I want to go home!”

“Ooh!” Robert said, rolling his eyes before subsiding into laughter again. “Victoria has spoken!” Liv joined in the laughter as Adam made it to his feet on the third time of asking, stumbling after Vic.

“Why couldn’t you leave me?” Robert heard Adam say. “Having fun with me best mate!”

“Oh, I’d gladly leave you there all night,” Vic said. “But you’re the one with the keys!”

“I am?” Adam asked blankly. Liv laughed as they left before returning her attention to Robert.

“How are you?” she asked, a little more concerned.

“We are good,” Robert said, letting his fingertips stroke the cool stone behind him. “Aaron’s good. I’m good. ‘ts aaaaall good.”

“How much have you had?” Liv asked.

“Enough so it doesn’t hurt,” Robert said with heartbreaking honesty.

“Can you get home?” Liv asked. “Or do I have to call Paddy or Cain to drag you home? Because I’m not even attempting to help you, you’d kill me.”

“Can walk… “ Robert mumbled. “Just miss him…”

“I do too,” Liv said. “Come on then, lets see this walking.” She laughed as Robert got to his feet, struggling with his long legs as if he didn’t know what to do with them.

“I love him,” Robert slurred with heavy eyes as he started dragging his feet towards home. “S’not fair.”

“No, it isn’t,” Liv agreed. “I’m going to remind you of this when I come home from Lucy’s party completely wasted.”

“What party?!” Robert asked in exaggerated horror due to the alcohol in his system. Liv just shook her head, still smiling. Aaron would have seen the funny side, they all knew that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not quite sure I pulled off a drunk Robert! Would love to know what you think and thank you so so so much to those who're sticking with this! x


	5. 3 years, 9 months

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if anyone's still reading this, or wants to read this, but here it is anyway. Hope at least one person likes this!

Liv chewed her bottom lip nervously in the front seat of Robert‘s car. Robert had given up asking her to stop, it no longer hurt him. Seeing the reminder of Aaron warmed him these days. “I shouldn’t go,” Liv said. “I don’t want to leave you, leave him.”

“You have to go,” Robert said. “Come on, we’ve arranged everything now. Your suitcase is in the boot, your mum's expecting you.” Liv was moving to Dublin. She’d finished school and been accepted into Dublin University, much to everyone's surprise. As Dublin was so easy for her, her mother living there it hadn’t taken much persuasion for her to go. But now it had actually come to it, she didn’t want to leave the village, leave her brother or leave Robert.

“Are you going to be all right without me?” Liv asked. Robert didn’t know, but he could hardly say no. The house would be so empty without her, and they both knew it.

“I’ll be fine,” Robert said.

“You’ve not been seeing anyone since he died,” Liv said. “I know you love him and you miss him, I do to but… It’s been a few years now.”

“Three years, nine months,” Robert said without thinking about it. He counted out the time without knowing he was doing it. Asking how long was a snap reaction now.

“You’re getting old,” Liv said, elbowing him lightly, trying to joke. Robert forced a smile. “I can’t leave you, this was a mistake.”

“Liv, breathe,” Robert said firmly. “You can’t keep your life on hold because you’re worried about me. You’re so young, you have a life to live. You don’t need to sacrifice that because I’m a miserable old git.” Liv smiled at that.

“Want to come with me?” she asked, nodding at the cemetery Robert had parked outside.

“You don’t want time alone with him?” Robert asked in surprise. Liv shook her head.

“Okay,” Robert said. He hadn’t seen Aaron since January, the anniversary of his death, but they both got out of the car following their feet to Aaron‘s resting place. It was September and the leaves were just beginning to fall in the graveyard, creating a crunching that didn’t leave them in complete silence which Robert was grateful for. On the rare occasions he did see Aaron, he always did it alone, not wanting to seem stupid talking to a gravestone which couldn’t hear him. Robert liked to think Aaron could hear him, though it wasn’t total rational.

“Hey big brother,” Liv said, stopping at Aaron‘s grave. “I did what you wanted, looked after this one for a while.”

“She did a good job,” Robert chipped in warmly. “Always keeping an eye on me when I ran the risk of getting really depressed.” Robert ran his fingers across the top of the cool stone in greeting, the way he always did.

“I don’t want to leave either of you,” Liv said to Aaron. “But at least Rob can call me, you’re stuck here. I can’t even ask you if you’d want me to go.”

“He would,” Robert said surely. “He’d be amazed with how little attention you used to pay at school, but he would.”

“I didn’t get to know you for nearly long enough. I’ve lived with him for longer than I knew you. How’s that fair?”

“Come on, was I all that bad?” Robert quipped.

“I’ll come and see you,” Liv said. “Whenever I come home. Which will probably be more often than Robert comes to see you.”

“Hey!” Robert said, but he saw her smiling.

“Love you, Aaron,” Liv said quietly. “I don’t remember telling you that, though you must have been rather fond of me to put up with me. I’ll come home for Christmas, I promise.” That last was said to Robert, who hugged Liv tightly. Over the last few years, she’d become his little sister as much as Aaron’s.

“Do you want some time?” Liv asked. Robert looked at Aaron’s grave, then shook his head.

“No, I don’t need to. He knows how I feel and how much I miss him. And you're going to miss your flight.” Liv looked at the time on her phone and nodded. They were cutting it close.

“Love you,” Robert said quietly to Aaron’s grave before they left. “She’ll be fine.”

* * *

 

Robert hung around the airport until Liv’s flight had actually left. He had the time to kill after all, not like there was anyone waiting for him at home. Liv faithfully promised him she’d text when she’d landed safely. Robert was dreading the next bit, the _after_ bit. He got home to an empty, still, quiet house and he hated it. Standing just inside the front door he could almost hear the loneliness. Even though he’d known for weeks it was coming, it still hurt. He could see Liv’s breakfast things in the sink, her perfume left on the side. 

He moved to the fridge, looking at the pictures they had viewed as the most important, ones to keep and look at. Liv and Robert on Liv’s seventeenth birthday, when he’d given her a car. And a promise that he wouldn’t ever try to teach her how to drive, because their tempers would clash too much. Robert holding Matthew, his nephew, newborn at the time, now not so much. Aaron at Adam and Vic’s wedding, looking great in his suit and happy, though Robert really needed another copy of that photo. Maybe Vic had one? The photo on the fridge was faded and crumpled by now. A picture of Matthew at just over a year, absolutely devouring an ice cream cone. One thing Robert regretted more than anything else was the lack of pictures he had of Aaron. Aaron had never liked having his picture taken, and Robert had never bothered too much about it. After all, Robert had planned on them spending the rest of their lives together, what did a few photos matter? How naïve he had been.

Robert moved through the house, almost smiling at the mess the bathroom was in. Liv had definitely taken over that room, but the quiet was beginning to be overwhelming, when thankfully his phone rang. “Hiya, Vic.”

“How are you?” she asked.

“Lonely,” was Robert’s honest answer.

“Want to do your sister a huge favour?”

“What’re you after?” Robert asked, amused.

“I can’t pick Matthew up from playgroup, something’s come up. Would his favourite uncle Robert be able to…”

“I’d love to,” Robert said honestly. “Anything to fill my time.”

“Is it worth…”

“No,” Robert said, cutting her off. Mostly, she’d given up trying to persuade Robert to see someone else. But every now and then she’d mentioned it. God, even Chas at one point had told him it wouldn’t be the end of the world and Aaron would have understood. That had been a strange conversation. The fact that Chas could see how bitterly lonely he was… “What time do you need me there?”

“Er… an hour,” Vic said. “Thanks, you’re a life saver.”

“No problem. Do you want me to look after him for a bit or bring him straight home?”

“Would you mind?” Vic said, surprised at this. “Adam and I are… having an argument. It’ll be fine, but I just…”

“Call when you want him back. I have his toys at home, we’ll be fine.”

“Love you, Rob.”

“Mm.” But his tone was warm.

* * *

 

Robert sat at the sidelines watching Matthew play with the other children. He was early, he hadn’t been able to wait any longer in that cold and empty house, so he‘d got to playgroup early than he should. It was entertaining, watching Matthew play with his friends, his carefree happiness almost infectious. A blonde woman sat next to him, and Robert murmured a hello, before returning his attention to the three year old.

“Which one’s yours?” the woman said easily.

“None of them,” Robert said without thinking about it. The woman’s face paled. “No, I mean… I’m Matthew’s uncle, that’s all.” Robert pointed out his nephew, currently playing with a toy train.

“Oh,” she said with a smile. “I see.” The woman wasn’t subtle, her eyes flicking to where Robert should be wearing a wedding ring. And Robert didn’t mind it, that shocked him. “I’m Heather.”

“Robert.” He looked at her, really looked. She was pretty in a girl next door kind of a way, blonde with a nice smile. Everything about her seemed nice. And she also was not wearing a wedding ring. But Robert shouldn’t be noticing that, because he was grieving. Right? “Which terror’s yours?”

“The redhead in the pink tutu,” she said. “Hopefully she wears herself out.” Robert forced a smile though he was thinking about Vic. He had the sneaking suspicion that he was being set up.

* * *

 

Robert drove straight to Victoria’s, getting angrier the further they got. “What’s wrong uncle Rob?” Matthew said innocently from the back seat.

“Your mother likes interfering,” Robert said darkly. “I’m fine, don’t worry,” he added more gently.

“Mum says you’re sad,” Matthew said as Robert parked outside Vic and Adam’s. “She says she doesn’t want you to be sad.”

“And what does dad say?” Robert asked, curiosity getting over his anger.

“Daddy says part of you died with uncle Aaron.” Robert smiled sadly. They had all made the decision a long time ago that they would talk to Matthew about Aaron, wanting him to know his name sake, even if it was third hand. “Are you lonely uncle Rob?”

What was it about small children? Always able to get to the crux of the matter in seconds.

“Sometimes,” Robert said. “Come on, let’s get you inside. I want a word with your mother.” Matthew laughed easily at the exaggerated angry face Robert pulled.

* * *

 

“Hi, Rob. How are you?” Vic asked with a falsely bright smile.

“You are setting me up.”

“Told you he wouldn’t like it,” Adam said, picking his son up and swinging him around to the boys delighted giggles.

“Robert, I just thought…”

“I do not need you interfering in my love life,” Robert said firmly. “Or lack of one.”

“She saw you last time you picked Matthew up,” Vic said. “She asked me who you were and if you were single. I didn’t think you’d… mind a little… nudge.”

“Well, I do mind,” Robert said firmly. “I hate the term, but Aaron was my soul mate. There’s no better way of describing it. I can’t forget him.”

“No one’s asking you to forget him,” Adam said. “But… when’s the last time you actually had some fun? Aaron would understand, you know he would.”

“He hated sharing me,” Robert said bitterly. His anger had burnt out, but he knew himself well enough to know that his anger was more towards himself. Because he found this woman attractive, and he shouldn’t do.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Vic was in a rush, all the dinner orders at the pub had come in at once, Adam was on a long call out at the scrap yard and Matthew was due to be picked up from playgroup. So Vic called Robert while in the kitchen, the phone on speaker.

“Hey, my favourite brother. Can you do me a favour?”

“Let me guess, picking up your tearaway son again?” Robert said, humour and warmth in his voice.

“The pubs got a late lunch run, apparently everyone waited until three o'clock to order, so I can’t get him,” Vic said, plating up two burgers and chips, passing them to Charity in silence,.

“Please, Robert.”

“Yeah, of course,” he said, with more eagerness than he really wanted to examine closely. “You’re not going to try and set me up again, are you?”

“No,” she said. “Right now I don’t have the time. But Heather does…”

“Yeah, I got it,” Robert said sharply. “See you later.” He hung up the phone and grabbed his keys. He didn’t allow himself to think until he got to the nursery.

“Uncle Rob!” Matthew squealed, seeing him. Robert bent to pick him up, feeling a twinge in his back as he straightened up. _Getting old_ , Robert thought to himself as he hugged his nephew.

“Hey trouble,” Robert said, smiling at him. “How are you?”

“Good!” he shouted.

“Oh, inside voice,” Robert said, wincing again as he bent to put Matthew on the floor. Matthew just giggled, leading the way to the car. Robert was about to strap Matthew into his car seat when he looked up, seeing Heather put her screaming daughter into the car. She looked tired and frazzled, running out of patience. Robert debated what to do, then realised he had a three year old waiting with patience that was quickly expiring.

“Robert!” Matthew whined at him, loudly. His voice caught Heather’s attention and she flashed him a smile, which made Robert’s stomach drop. She was attractive. And he liked her. He made a move that he didn’t think about too deeply, keeping a hand on Matthew’s tiny one.

“Hi,” she said, smiling again.

“Would you like to go out for a drink with me some time?” Robert asked. Her eyes widened slightly in surprise.

“You don’t waste your time, do you?” she asked, lips tilting into a smile.

“Forget it,” Robert said, coming to his senses and feeling stupid for even suggesting it. “Just... forget it.”

“No, no,” she said, holding his arm to stop him from turning away. Robert looked at her fingers tight on his arm and felt a thrill at the contact. When was the last time anyone who wasn’t family had ever touched him? Years, surely. “I’d love to. If your ego’s not so fragile to take a pause as a no,” she added pointedly. Robert inclined his head slightly and rolled his eyes at himself.

“Sorry,” he said. “It’s been a while for me, that’s all.”

“Okay,” she said. At the moment her daughter screamed loudly, making Heather sigh again. “Vic’s got my number, I have to… deal with her,” she said, getting into the car and flashing Robert one last bright smile. Robert nodded, though he now had to deal with the hurdle of asking Vic for a girls phone number. He really thought he was at least ten years past that experience.

* * *

 

“Thank you,” Vic said sincerely, letting Robert and Matthew into her house. “It’s just been one of those days.”

“I don’t mind,” Robert said, looking at his nephew who‘d gone straight for the toy box in the living room. “He’s entertaining, if nothing else.”

“Rob, I’m worried about you,” Vic said. “I know you’re lonely.”

“I am,” he said. “But on that kind of theme…” Robert took a deep breath. “Have you got Heather’s number? I asked her for a drink, and before I lose my nerve, I…” Robert was looking at the kitchen table, more uncomfortable than Vic could ever remember him being. Robert wasn’t shy, especially when it came to women, (or men for that matter) so this was new. Vic knew her brother well enough to not push and squeal with excitement, though she wanted to, so she silently got her phone out and found the number, sending it to Robert’s phone.

“Thanks.”

“It is okay,” Vic said quietly. “To want someone else, Rob, that’s allowed.”

“I feel disloyal to him. Even thinking about it,” Robert admitted. “And I’m so out of practise, Vic, I’m not the confident man I was before I met him. I could flirt with someone easily, without even thinking about it. That part of me‘s gone.”

“Aaron loved you,” Vic said firmly. “He would _not_ want you to spend your life lonely.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Rob, I know you were closer to him than anyone else, but he was my friend too. I’d known him for longer than you, I do know that. Aaron was a good person, so unselfish. He wouldn’t believe you’ve spent all this time thinking about him, refusing to move on.” Robert shook his head, but he didn’t delete the number. He wanted someone, and though he didn’t like to admit it, he liked her.

* * *

Afterwards, Robert couldn’t believe how he didn’t feel guilty. Maybe it had been too long, maybe he needed sex for some distraction. After all, he still remembered the man he was before Aaron. Cheap, easy sex, feelings rarely becoming involved, until that hoodied stubborn perfect git turned up in his life. 

He didn’t know why he‘d slept with her, but he didn’t feel as bad as he thought he would. He couldn’t actually go to sleep though, he went into the kitchen for a glass of water before going back into the bedroom, looking out of the window. He was at her house, unable to even think about bringing her to his home, the place he should have shared with Aaron had fate not been so cruel.

“You seem sad.” Robert hadn’t known she was awake. “Am I an affair? Is there someone else?”

“Not an affair, but yes. There is someone else,” Robert said honestly. He would never lie about or hide Aaron‘s importance to him. “He died a few years ago, and I still miss him.”

“He?” she questioned from the bed sheets, sitting up now, watching him. She didn’t speak critically, more curious.

“I’m sure Vic told you I lost someone,” Robert said.

“She said you were fragile and hurt,” Heather said. “She didn't go into details, said it was private and if you wanted me to know, you’d tell me. A man?” she pressed.

“Yeah, I’m bi,” Robert said briefly. “And I miss him so much.” Then he shook his head. “Sorry, probably not the after sex conversation you had in mind.”

“It’s all right,” she said. “More honest than most men are.” She didn’t speak again until Robert perched on the edge of the bed. “Tell me,” she said. “Will I ever see you again after tonight?”

“I want to,” Robert admitted. “But I feel like… I should feel guilty.”

“You should but you don’t?” Robert sighed heavily. “What was his name? You don’t have to tell me,” she added. “But I wondered if saying it would help you.”

“Aaron.” Robert was well aware that his voice caressed over his name, as if relishing every part of it. Most of his turmoil, his grief was silent and private. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually said Aaron’s name aloud, and certainly not to someone who‘d never known him.

“I want to see you again. But, I’ll need to talk about him from time to time. I‘ll never hide how important he is to me.”

“Okay,” she said easily. “We don’t have to be serious, I mean… just a bit of fun, right? I could do with some fun.”

“Why?” Robert asked, interested. She just shrugged, letting the bed sheet fall from her body, allowing Robert’s eyes to appreciate her body.

“Just get back in bed, Rob,” she said. “Sleep and don’t over think it, right?” She spoke like it was just so simple, and honestly, Robert didn’t fancy driving back to the village right now. It was late, and he had had a drink.

* * *

 

A couple of weeks later, Robert walked into the pub, seeing Chas behind the bar, smiling. Good mood, then, that was something. “Hi Robert, what can I get you?” she asked brightly.

“I want a word,” Robert said, looking around the pub. “In private.”

“Oh?” she asked warily. “Do I need to get out the whisky?”

“No,” he said. “Shall we…?” Chas nodded and they both went through to the back room. It had been months since Robert had been here, years even. He couldn’t be in this room without being surrounded by memories of Aaron, though it was different now. The furniture had changed, a new sofa, it didn’t look like the room Aaron had died in. Less than six feet away from where Robert sat, _Aaron had died here_. The sentence invaded his mind and Robert closed his eyes. It made it more difficult to say what he’d come here for in the first place.

“What is it?” Chas asked, breaking the silence. “Spit it out.”

“Okay,” Robert said. “I felt you deserved to know before you see us around the village. I’m dating someone. It’s not serious, it really isn’t, but you will see her around and I wanted to tell you first. I didn’t want to shock you.”

“Her?” Chas questioned. “So, what? Aaron was just a brief phase was he?” Robert flinched at the hard tone.

“No,” he said softly. “Aaron’s the love of my life, that won’t change. It doesn’t change when he isn’t here. But I am lonely Chas. I’m so lonely I want to scream sometimes. And… now I’m with someone who… doesn’t make me feel lonely.”

“But a woman?”

“I’m bi, Chas. I was when I started seeing Aaron, I am now. It doesn’t make any difference who I see.”

“You won’t forget Aaron, will you?”

“No,” Robert sad with absolutely no doubt. “I couldn’t if I tried. Sometimes it would be damn convenient to forget about him, but I can’t.”

“Does she know? About him?” Robert nodded briefly.

“I find it hard to talk about him,” Robert said. “Words don’t match up to him, how amazing he was, but I have told her that I love him.”

“Good,” Chas said. “And thank you for telling me. After all these years it might have been a shock to just… see you and someone else on the street.”

“That’s what I thought,” Robert said, glad she hadn’t kicked off. He didn’t expect her to, but there was a little bit of relief there anyway. “Thanks.”

“Do you still miss him?” Chas asked quietly as Robert got up to leave.

“I’ve never stopped missing him, Chas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very tempted to leave this as the last chapter, but I'd love to know what you think. Thank you for sticking with this story, and I hope I've not made too much of a hash of it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for making it this far, and I'd love to know what you think! (How can I be this cruel??)


End file.
